So, I guess I should give a little bit of background. I just finished uni. I had a great end to final year. During my final year, from around a year ago till April I had a relationship with a guy. He broke up with me. This was annoying in itself because I hadn't actually wanted a boyfriend, but he slowly brought me round to the idea. I really loved him. He said he loved me too. He suggested we might live together. Unfortunately, he was in the same group of friends as me (basically) so it would have been difficult not to see him, and during exam times I did meet up with him every now and then. Then, as soon as exams were over, we got drunk...one thing led to another. We ended up setting up a stupid agreement where we were sort of together through the last month of term, and then that would be it. I dumbly got re-attached, and thought it felt as he had too. Then, yesterday, we had a phone call where he basically said, no, he hadn't, it really was over, and for good this time. Now, I am perfectly aware that I may have brought this on myself - but I don't feel regret about the decision I made to have that month with him. I simply prolonged the inevitable, and chose from shit and shitter options. Either, see him, be with him and watch him not want me (accompanied with hope I probably never should have had) but enjoy my end of term with my friends, not having to cry in the toilets because he was with another girl, or cut ties earlier, probably have to come home early to mourn, and basically regret the end of uni forever. So I chose the first one. Judge me as you may, I don't think I'd be the only one. Anyway, I now know I NEED to get over this guy. To him, I'm OK to have sex with, but I'm not OK any more for his girlfriend. He likes seeing me as a friend, but he won't miss me how I miss him. He seems to have forgotten the good times, which I have not. But those are things I now need to deal with. So, after spending nearly the past month with him non-stop, and talking to him basically every day for the past year, I need to go cold turkey. It's not quite just post-breakup, but having spent so much time with him lately it certainly feels that way. I need to make it to 60 days, for myself. So I hope people might follow me on this journey.
Day 1.
I'd had a pep talk last night with my friend Z. She'd pretty much got dumped about a year ago, and so knew what I was going through. The details above don't really go into the whole trauma of that ordeal, but a lot of people will know what I'm talking about when I say it feels like getting kicked in the chest. So my heart's hurting. I spoke to him yesterday, and pretty much felt myself get ripped to shreds. Still, it's impossible to hate him fully. Luckily for me, I'm going on holiday the day after tomorrow (OH YES!) which could be exactly what I need to take my mind off him. I don't doubt I'll lie on the beach thinking about him though.....the good times mainly. This is the problem, I dwell on the good things, wondering how he could let them go, instead of directing a little hate his way and making myself feel less worthless. Hopefully that little trick will come with time. I think the mornings may be the hardest point, because, how do you get out of bed when the person you love does not want you? Overdramatic as that sounds IT IS HARD. And I'm a crier. Very overdramatic. I just don't want to cry any more though. And then there's technology. So it's up, go on facebook, check his profile (why am I doing this?!). Think, I need to text him. Can I change his mind? Probably not. But what have I got to lose?! Send a text. No response. Send another text. No response. Send another text. This is the type of crazy behaviour I'd been engaging in yesterday and the day before, and immediately after we broke up the first time. IT NEEDS TO STOP. I need cold turkey, I need distance. He lives 2 hours away now, so there's physical distance. But people don't recognise how difficult distance is when we have so many ways of getting immediately in touch. Here's my internal pep-talk for the day, as day one may be one of the hardest: he does not want to hear from me. He does not deserve to hear from me. He may want my friendship but that can come later, if at all. He does not want to hear from me...
